So
I have finally comitted to a long term relationship. With Interstate 70.
A 3 day relationship. Now I realize you may not think that 3 days really
qualifies as a long term relationship but come on, you’ve got to admit
that it’s an awfully long time to commit to one highway. We get along
pretty well, a little bumpy here and there. We have our disagreements
to, especially when it comes to Kansas. I find Kansas to be dull and
boring and I-70 just carries on and on. But not all relationships are
meant to last, and the way I-70 acted today, threatening to detain me on
my journey and make me go much slower than I’d like, well, the end of
our relationship is near, I can tell you that much!
Kansas… oh Kansas. As previously mentioned, I find Kansas to be dull
and boring. And not only because it’s the middle of winter and Kansas is
as dry and brown as a bowl of oatmeal. I’ve travelled through Kansas in
the summer and still can’t find anything interesting to look at. Long,
straight, flat and, well, boring! Now I’m sorry if any of my readers are
fans of Kansas – if you are, please, stand up and defend the state! In
fact, I challenge you! Because honestly, I don’t think there’s much hope
for a state that advertises “the largest prairie dog in the world” and
the “5-legged real live steer” to draw in tourism. Sorry Kansas, you
have nothing to offer! Once you crack a grin at the sign for ‘Kanorado’
round about mile marker one, all you’ve got to look forward to is a
bunch of dry prairie and a plethora of
pro-life-stop-abortion-thank-your-mother-for-giving-birth-to-you signs.
Now, I must admit, there was one billboard that caught my eye. Granted,
it doesn’t take much in the dry wasteland of Kansas for anything to
catch your eye, but this particular billboard prompted a good ten or
fifteen minute consideration, which almost helps the miles pass by a
little quicker. (Almost.) Anyway, here it is, brightly standing out
amongst the prairie, a hot pink billboard sign with the words “Baby
doll, will you marry me? Love, Nathan.” Hmmmm. Can you see where I’m
going with this? First of all, is this for real, or some subtle ad for a
bridal shop or something of the like? But no, there was no corporate
name or sign of any store or product on the billboard. Just the words.
So ok, this is for real. Which leads me to thinking – is this really all
that romantic? What type of woman wants to be proposed to on a
billboard? I can see it now… there you are, driving along the desolate
highway in Kansas with your boyfriend when suddenly you are blinded by a
hot pink billboard. And “Baby doll” Puh-lease. I now feel sorry for any
guy named Nathan who happens to drive down I-70 with his girlfriend. Boy
are they going to get the wrong idea! But seriously, where has the
romanticism gone? When do marriage proposals have to be so public and
obnoxious? I get the whole proposal on a scoreboard at a ball game
thing.. I mean, that could really appeal to a true sports afficiando.
But are there really any billboard fanatics out there who are so
obsessed with billboards that their dream marriage proposal be plastered
up on one? Nah. Didn’t think so. Then again, it was in Kansas…..

So after virtually an entire day of dragging our wheels along the
interstate of rural Kansas we crossed into Missouri. I actually don’t
have much beef with Missouri. We got great gas mileage because their
highway is full of rollercoaster moments, where you can cruise down the
hill as fast as the trailer will push you and then use the momentum to
coast halfway up the next hill. This benefit however, is just about
balanced out by the fact that Missouri can’t name their roads. Really,
whats up with “Road U” and “JJ” ?? Can you be any less creative? I can
see all kinds of problems when stopping for directions! “Oh sure, man,
just take the Y road to the U road till you get to M-E.” I guess that’s
Missouri’s idea of romanticism, whereas Kansas just threw it up on a
billboard……
What I do like about traveling through the midwest is that it’s very
productive. You can travel through three entire states in one day, where
as the whole of Kansas takes pretty much an entire day. (Yes, sorry, I’m
still ragging on Kansas. Someone defend it quick!) Missouri doesn’t take
too long (thank god, or I’d get lost with those damn road names) and
Illinois is a piece of cake. Driving through Illinois reminds me of
those cartoons where the backdrop just continually repeats itself. But
unlike Kansas, at lease Illinois has trees and is a third the size.
Which
then brings me to Indiana. Oh, Indiana. You are right up there with
Kansas! But only because your roads SUCK. I’m thinking Indiana’s
Department of Transportation neglected to attend Roadmaking 101. That or
they don’t know how to identify a pothole. Or a crack in the road. Or a
bump in the road for that matter. Or they are so bad at attempting to
repair said cracks or bumps that they just make it worse. Either way,
driving through Indiana is worse than turbelence on an airplane. It’s
downright brain rattling, and my horses whole heartedly agree! Thank god
it only lasts a few hours.
I havent been able to see much of Ohio so far. Not long after
crossing the state line and driving through that beautiful outrageously
blue archway, Ohio decided to succumb to the pressures of the weather
gods and hide itself underneath a blanket of fog and snow. Which led to
the aforementioned argument with I-70 and will result in the untimely
end of our relationship. But at least things appear normal in Ohio
underneath all that blowing snow. Well ok, unless you count the strange
annoying-airport-terminal voice in the Truckers station announcing to
professional driver 137 that shower 8 was now available. Too bad most
truckers are freakishly ugly and sketchy looking. Can you imagine if you
had a fleet of truckers that looked like sexy models, all stopping at a
truckers station for showers? Now that would be a place to hang out for
an afternoon. I mean, who wouldn’t want to check out professional driver
number 69 heading off to his shower? I blame my relationship with I-70
for putting these images in your head. After 2 days with the big 7-0 I’m
not really thinking very clearly apparently.
I’m off to bed for now, to catch up on some much needed Z’s that were
held captive from me last night in the very sketchy Kansas City hotel.
(How many rips on Kansas so far, anyone counting?) I’ve never before
taken a shower and considered at the time what would happen if the
ceiling fell down on me. I mean, that would be so weird! But sadly was a
very possible possibility in this instance. Makes you wonder, doesnt it?
Thought so.